Jewish Inspiration Podcast · Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe

You're listening to Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe of Torch in Houston, Texas. This is the Jewish Inspiration Podcast.

Welcome back my dear friends to day number 132 on page 746 in the treasure for life edition of the Orchad Tzadikim, the ways of the righteous in the gate of flattery V'ya chanif adon l'ishto, a person should flatter his wife A person should flatter his wife, mishum shlom bayit, to preserve household harmony Just this afternoon. We just recently started a new lunch and learn in the gallery area and
we were talking about whether or not a why so many relationships go awry and I said because people don't know how to properly Convey their appreciation their admiration. They don't know how to compliment. They don't know how to be genuine So the guy says yeah, but what's if I need to Compliment my wife, but I don't feel it. I said fake it till you make it and today look at that
Look at that. We open up today day number 132 and the Orchad Tzadikim says you need to flatter your wife Flatter your wife tell her how delicious her cooking is and tell her how beautiful her dresses are and and her and her and how incredible of a person she is and These are things that a person needs to do to preserve their relationship. It doesn't mean you have to lie That doesn't mean you have to lie. There's a dispute in the Talmud whether or not One tells the bride
Kalanova chasuda you tell her that she's beautiful or you say kalakumayshahi you tell her tell it to her the way it is So what that's cruel you tell her the way it is one says, okay, you tell her that she's very beautiful She's the bride you tell her she's so beautiful What's if she's not if she's not our sages tell us you're not looking with the right pair of eyes Every person's got beauty Every person is refined in a different area
Every person has something special and unique if you can't find something good You're looking with the wrong pair of glasses. You need to be able to find it's not that she's so beautiful you need to be able to see the beauty in another person and That's I believe what we how we explain this right here in our chapter of flattery page 746 one should flatter his wife not don't lie Find the good mean it say it to preserve household harmony le bal chavo shu lo yilchatzenu
le rabo shi lam do toro He says different people you owe somebody money to your creditor You can say nice things so that he doesn't press you for the for the money to a teacher So that he teaches you toro the mitzvah gedol olehach nelef le talmido le chaverav shu lo shkadei shir yiyamadu v'yishmu le tovarav le kabel tochakhto le kabel lekayim ha mitzvos. He says a rabbi should flatter his students a Rabbi should flatter his students
So that they learn Torah from him and that they listen to his teachings and they accept his reprimand and they observe the mitzvahs v'chein lechol odam shu husavashim shechenu elov shi yishma lo lekayim ha mitzvos Any person that you can influence and teach them the right way to live life You should flatter them so that they Connect and become close to you. V'im yovo alov v'kas lo yishma lo Elo bechanifu usikavo betochakhto mitzvah gedol olehach nelef lo
And if you know obviously to most people if you come to them and with anger you say What you did is terrible, right? Said nobody's gonna listen. But what happens if you tell them, you know, you're such a fine person I'm so impressed that you and then you and by the way with your children. This is the same. Okay? You have I was still I was giving a parenting class recently and I was telling the parents you see sometimes parents
Get so caught up in parenting. They forget to love their children and The truth is is that we need to find a way to Find the good in your child That where they shine and put all the bright lights on it Find the thing they're good. I'll tell you an amazing story There was a student in a school that was doing miserable miserably in class Every teacher would kick this student out say I can't handle it's like I'm a mark
You know what I'm talking about, right? I'd say he just he couldn't nobody could could handle the students Couldn't handle him One teacher kicked him out they moved him to the next parallel class the next teacher kicked him out and he was misbehaving in every class finally the last of the gray of the of the parallel classes the most patient rabbi the most patient teacher is Is at wit's end. He says go to the principal's office. I can't I can't have this anymore
Principal realized that this child probably needs a pick-me-up. He needs a boost. He needs so he tells the child he says to him Sits him down nicely at the table and he says to him. Tell me what are you good at? Says nothing he says there has to be something that you're really good at He starts thinking to you know, maybe finally the kid oh I'm the best in my class and climbing trees. I Can climb the tree the fastest?
As ooh, that's really that's really special. Okay, that's that little light shine a bright light on it See says what else is there something else they finally found a few things that this student was really unique at They spent time together figuring it out So they wrote it down on a piece of paper and he said to him here's what I want you to do Says tomorrow morning when you wake up I want you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat
This list of all the things that you do better than anybody else in your class I want you to repeat it 20 times to yourself Repeat it to yourself 20 times Before you come to school and if you want you can come to my office and you can do it with me here All right, but these don't forget that these are your skills these are your talents These are the things that you're really is really special. This is where you stand out
And what was and then they never had an issue with that student again never had an issue with him again. What was the problem? Problem is that he was overcrowded with everybody else. He never got the spotlight Finally someone took the time to see the good what he's really talented at climbing trees and put a spotlight on it He felt good he felt valued he felt that it was it was it was a it was a game-changer for him Because he felt that he was worth something and
The same is when we educate our children. We have we can knock our children all day long. That's not gonna build them We find what they're good at we find where their skills are We find where their talent is that and you can build that child more than anything in the world By focusing on their quality focusing on their good and that's that's the key The im you have all of because if you come with anger, they're not gonna listen a little bit Hanif was like a cabal to cocktail
But when you come with the good and you shine the positive light on their on their qualities That's how they will accept mitzvah. Good. Oh la hachna flow. Such a person is a mitzvah to flatter them about their goodness Today law, oh see your car me is all ill the words of the wise Spoken gently are heard. He is Adam. She ain't no me cabal to ha ha big aura
Ella Benachas, you never do become a nachas this morning. There are those who don't accept words of rebuke unless they are pleasant words Which I believe our generation is that our generation we used to be able to educate children with a stick not anymore Today you can't do that Children need love children need to be built up It needs to be pleasant. He is shit. Sorry. Go aura There are those sometimes that need a little bit of a rebuke a reprimand
Shanaam are tachas gore of the Maven. We have to Marco Malcos She never will be Maluma's leg a Ceiling the ish. I feel about her coast low y'all and there's some you can beat them and that's not gonna help She never may have coast still male my grandfather used to say that There's a halacha that says that when your child is at a certain age over the age of 13 You're not allowed to hit them anymore. It's a halacha. He's written many hundreds of years ago
Why because it's gonna be putting a stumbling block before the blind why because he's gonna hit you back and A child's not allowed to hit back the parent. What do you mean? It's gonna hit me back My grandfather says today that age is three or under no more any kids And in general in our generation, it's unacceptable whatsoever To to raise a hand parent to raise a hand on a child. Absolutely. Not any adult raising a hand on a child. Absolutely unacceptable
Unacceptable whatsoever. Why because it's not gonna help the child. It's not gonna help whatsoever. It's gonna harm the child It's gonna harm the relationship and that child will rebel against their parents and that rebellion will be giving the hit back to the parents, which would be a Prohibition of hitting your parent. She never may have coast still male I'm Cain man. Ah, so low ain't low tacon. Oh Ella T. Garcia He says but what what do you do if someone is not going to accept any form of?
Reprimand what's the remedy? He says you have to Distance yourself from such a person. Yes, honey. Fools Romeo. There's a different form of extreme evil Extremely evil kind of flattery Keep going. Odom. I'm acting for Haveru midaber emo Devoir metukim could they she is smoke all of the yam in low? The a car she yam in love is mocha love whole a emo Baramaus He says a form of flattery which is evil and wicked is when someone curry tries to curry favor build trust
only to then later cheat that person So we're I'm sure we've all heard stories where someone would you know be so reliable in there like so trustworthy and in business till The time came and that's when they showed all of their their trickery and they showed how Deceitful they were was a Kenyan Shinema. Kiki no Mizorah Roshos a Roshas the a nay call Balkan off the haemla Domo Yaro vu Yitzpino when I show some
Parish a posso cacho. He says this is the explanation to that verse from Proverbs kia say yadi say yadim ofos Zorkin Hiti Berisha's says those who The trappers scatter kernels in the net which the birds come to eat and they are trapped So it is with this type of flatter They bring the they bring the kernels they throw them in the net and then they catch them our sages forbade flattery We also have a machna for Amish law
Yes, like all them during the Haveri you a day Shana McCabell. Oh Yikra Lecha Vera Lecha let's low you a day Shana or hell We came in all the more to lift our hobbies. Yeah in the limb core We'll both have a lick nose. Yeah in Loyola low and he wrote select our hobbies. Avur. Ha the holes at The coyotes of as a knicker Geneva's does he says likewise if one wishes to open it So he gives a couple of examples here of forbidden flattery.
One should not send his fellow man a gift if he knows that he will not accept it. One shall not call him to dine with him if he knows that he will not do so. Likewise, if one wishes to open up a keg of wine in order to sell it and his friend comes to buy wine, he should not tell him, I want to open this keg for you. All this and everything like it is called stealing one's mind. It's called gnevas da, stealing one's intellect.
Today we have laws of intellectual property, but the Talmud talks about this 2,000 years ago about stealing one's intellect. Imagine the following scenario, this is one of my favorite stories about this topic. So imagine you are waiting for a ride, you're waiting for someone to come pick you up. You're out by the mall, hot, hot day, really uncomfortably hot. Your friend calls you and he says, I'm sorry, I'm stuck in traffic, I'm going to be there in 15 minutes.
So you look around, you're like, oh, there's a nice jewelry store right here. So you walk into the jewelry store, you're not planning on buying anything, you don't have the money to buy, you don't have the money to spend on it. You just want a cool air conditioning until your friend shows up. So you walk in and they're, ah, they're so excited, they have a customer. They come running over, is there any way I can help you, is there something you want to see?
Like, no, just looking around. That is stealing one's intellect. They think you're coming in because you want to look at their jewelry, no, you're coming in for a totally different purpose. So what does someone need to do in order not to steal? You say, listen, actually, I was going to be waiting outside, but it's very hot. I was wondering, would it be okay if I stood inside? If they say, I'm sorry, it's for customers only.
You know, people do that with the restrooms sometimes, like, it's only for customers. That's understandable because they, you know, whatever expense may be involved with that, they want it to be reserved for their customers. That's understandable. But they may not want you to be using their air conditioning, even though you can come with a claim and say, well, what do you care? It doesn't cost you more money for me to enjoy the air conditioning and not be hot outside.
That's a different argument, and that could be litigated privately. But the idea here is that you don't want to trick someone. It's trickery. It's a form of trickery. I really want the air conditioning. You think I'm a client. You get all excited. Oh, I'm going to make a sale. I'm going to get my commission finally. And really, you never even had any intention of buying anything. Rabbi Shimon Ben-Halafta said,
From the day that the fist of flattery grew strong, laws were perverted, deeds were rendered defective, and one could say to his fellow man, my deeds are greater than yours. And no one could say to his fellow man, my deeds are greater than yours. To which Rabbi Lazar said, Rabbi Lazar, anyone who has flattery within him brings wrath to the world, as the verse states. And additionally, his prayers are not heard. His prayers are not heard. Why? He says,
Because it really caused terrible things for one who is not honest. Now I want to tell you something about flattery. Any lawyers here in the group? So okay. So I have a bunch of friends who are lawyers, and they're all very, very good people. And one day I was on the phone with a friend of mine. He says, Ooh, I got to go because I have a lunch with a judge. I'm like, a lunch with a judge? That to me doesn't sound right, right?
Why would a lawyer who represents clients who are either guilty, innocent, you know, on one side of a case, the other side of a case, and he's sitting with the judge that's going to be hearing those cases? To me, it seems like a form of flattery. I'll take the judge out, then I can sign up clients and get the cases dismissed because the judge is my friend. That's a form of flattery. Unfortunately, it's something which happens every single day.
It happens in the world of law, where the judge and the lawyers are best friends. They go out for dinner together. They go out for lunch together. They go out for breakfast together, right? So how do you know that the laws are being adjudicated appropriately? Okay, so this is, flattery is repulsive. And this is what the author here is impressing upon us. The repulsiveness of flattery. And finally, to finish off Day 132, לכן ישרחק אדם ונחנוף.
Therefore, one should remove himself completely from flattery and not flatter someone to validate him in his evil, even if he stands to gain many favors from him. Don't tell him, hey, you're a good guy. You're a good guy. I like you. You're a nice guy. After all, you know, I don't know why people give you a hard time. That's flattery and that's not good. לא יחנף אדם להחזיק בראשו.
Even if he's going to give you a job now, now he's going to help me, he's going to support my institution. He's going to do this. He's going to do that. A person should not flatter someone who's wicked. לא יחנף לו. לא יחנף לקרובו ולא לבנו בזמן שאין הם הולכים בדרך הטוב. If someone is not going in the proper path, don't kiss up to them. Don't flatter them. כי כמה בני אדם עומדים בראשם מחמאס שרואים שאין להם בושה עבור דרכם המכועריס ועבור שרואים שמחניפים להם.
They may get the wrong idea because people are flattering them. They say, I'm not that bad after all because if I was, they wouldn't talk to me. They wouldn't say hello to me if I was such a bad guy. ואין דבר בעולם הנועל פסחי התשובה כמו החניפוס. There's nothing that closes the doors of repentance more than flattery. Flattery has a terrible, terrible impact on a person and on his life. So this concludes day number 132.

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