Jewish Inspiration Podcast · Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe

00:03 - Intro (Announcement)
You're listening to Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe of Torch in Houston, Texas. This is theJewish Inspiration Podcast.

00:08 - Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe (Host)
All right, welcome back everybody to the musa master class. Musa mondays. We are in the treasure for life edition of the orchis edict in the ways of the righteous. We are on page 585 in the gate of miserliness. If you remember, if you recall, last week we discussed the gate of generosity.

00:33
Generosity means that I understand that the goal in life is to be God-like. In every way that I can, I want to be godlike. How do I become godlike? How do I be godlike? I am a giver and by giving I constantly exercise that muscle of giving. We mentioned that giving has nothing to do with the quantity, with the money. Giving has everything to do with exercising the muscle of letting go.

01:13
Okay, now we're going to talk about what it means to be a miser. Hatsaykanut, miserliness is a disgraceful trait. Zos hamidehi, miguna, berovin, yonea in most of its aspects. King Solomon spoke about such a person, about a miser. Do not eat the bread of the miserly and do not lust for its delicacies. Eat and drink, he will tell you, but his heart is not with you. We, potentially, can all experience what that means. I'll give you an example.

02:07
You know, the halacha actually says a very interesting thing about this. The halacha says that you're not allowed to ask someone for food if there isn't enough for him to eat, meaning, you see, someone who has an apple. He only has one apple. That's his lunch. You're going to ask him for the apple. He's going to be tempted to give it to you Because he wants to please you. He's going to give you the apple and that apple is all he has to eat. You're not allowed to ask him for it. It's called a su'udah she'enam, aspeket liba'aleah. It's not enough for its master, there's not enough for both. If there's enough for both, then that's great. Someone can share and they're not going to be missing out. But if there isn't enough for both, so you're going to be asking them for their sandwich. Is it okay? I have your sandwich, are they going to say, of course, and then they're not going to have enough food to eat. So that's the opposite of it. That's the opposite of this trait, meaning someone is going to have the desire to be generous with you and you're not allowed to ask them. Okay.

03:29
Miserliness is when someone has plenty but they don't want to share, and when they tell you no, no, no, sit down, eat, eat, drink, and you know that they really don't want you to eat or drink. Okay, this is something a person needs to be very concerned about in our own actions to ensure that we're not misers, that we're not holding back from giving the ele midos tzar ha'ayin. This is the trait of the miser, which is tzar ha'ayin. What is tzar ha'ayin? It means very, very narrow-eyed. There's someone who is an ayin tova, someone who has a good eye. They just see good, they see positive, they see that there's plenty, they see that they can share, they see that there's going to be enough. They always see the positive. And then there's someone who's narrow-eyed, where everything is seen with sort of like a blinder on and there's never going to be enough. And they're eating my children's food and they're taking away from me, and it's like.

04:37
You know, there's a concept in halacha, in the Talmud, which is called zeh neheneh v'zeh lo chaser. This one benefits, but that one doesn't lose. I'll give you an example. Imagine someone goes out of town, they go on vacation and they have their garbage can that's empty because they're out of town. You had a big event at your house and you're overflowing in your garbage, so you want to use their garbage that you can have room to put your extra garbage bags. So that's an example of someone saying, no, don't do that. It's like, why? Why you don't lose out, why would you say, why would you do that Like, why would you not want that?

05:34
That's a little bit of a miserly eye, it's a tsarion, someone who just can't see that someone else is enjoying, and that's something a person should be very concerned about. In our own. Again, we're looking into ourselves. The entire practice of Musa is not looking at others. How I'm going to fix them, and I'm going to fix them. That's not the goal. That's not the objective. The objective is how am I in this area? How can I perfect myself and become the best person that I can possibly become? So so what is an example of someone who is a miser, someone who has a tremendous amount of wealth but doesn't give charity, and he has no mercy on the poor? And when he has business dealings with his friends, with his acquaintances, he says he is he deals very, very strictly with, not without overlooking anything.

06:44
He's exact. He's exact. He's exact. He doesn't let just give a little round off the number. It's like my children love when I don't.

06:54
I never carry cash, ever, never carry cash. I'm a bad mug victim. I don't have any cash for you, I'm sorry. So sometimes when I do need, my children have cash and they love lending me that money. Why? Because they know if they lend me $7, they're not getting $7 back, they're getting $20 back. You know they lend me 50, they'll get a hundred.

07:19
It's because you that's the way you are with your children you give more. It's because that's the way you are with your children. You give more. Right, but what happens if, in a business deal, everyone contributes certain different aspects? No, no, no, no. You gave me $12, you're getting back $12. What do you mean? But what's about the extra work? You gave me $12, it's $12.

07:41
Now, maybe it's the letter of the law, but this should be a little bit more of a of an eye that's able to expand beyond the narrowness. Someone who doesn't feed others, someone who doesn't dress others nobody can ever derive any pleasure from this person, because he's never going to give with a smile. He's never going to give with a smile. He's never going to give with his heart. Ve'ein lo bitochan, almi sh'nosin l'mamon. He has no trust in the Almighty. Who is the one who gives us money? Ve'hu sonu labrios. And such a person is hated by others. Ein omehader achar ha-mitzvas. He does not beautify the mitzvas. Why? Because if I can do this mitzvah with the minimum, then why do it with more?

08:29
We spoke last week about generosity in doing mitzvahs. Yeah, you know what? If I can afford buying a nicer mezuzah, I'm going to buy a nicer mezuzah. If I can afford buying a nicer menorah, I'm going to buy a nicer menorah. If I can buy nice dishes for my Shabbos table, I'll buy nicer dishes. Why I want to beautify my mitzvahs?

08:51
Someone who's a miser? No, no, no, no. Save every penny. No, no, don't spend the money on this. Everything is like to keep to hoard everything for themselves, and such a person won't either acquire a rabbi for themselves or a friend and, as a result, will stay vacant from Torah and its mitzvos. I mentioned this story previously. I think it's worth repeating the story of Yassala Kamsan Kaddish, yassala the Holy Miser. Yassala the Holy Miser was accused by his community of being such a miser. He was known to be an incredibly wealthy person who didn't give money and every poor person would attempt to try to raise. You know, get a donation. And everyone had the same result they were all thrown out of the house. What happened After he passed away? They told him right before he was on his deathbed. They told him you don't give us money for the burial society, for your plot, then we're not going to bury you in the cemetery, he said nah he was laughing at them I'm not giving you anything.

10:10
I'm not giving you anything. And they're like what a despicable person. Even for his own plot he's not going to pay. Wealthy man, even for his own plot he's not going to pay. So they buried him. After a few days they said they can't not bury him. They buried him right outside the cemetery and they named him on his tombstone Yassala the Miser, yassala the Miser. Then they found out very, very quickly of his amazing deeds.

10:42
What happened Came Wednesday morning, came Thursday morning and suddenly the rabbi starts getting a knock on the door after another knock on the door, another knock on the door. All these poor people are coming to him, to the rabbi, saying we need money for Shabbos. Like what do you mean? You need money for Shabbos? He said, yeah, I don't have money for Shabbos. He said what did you do last week? He said, yeah, I don't have money for Shabbos. He said what did you do last week? He said last week, last week, we got money under the door. I don't know, someone would put money under the door. You know, we had enough money for Shabbos. And the next poor person, same thing. And the next poor person, same thing. They figured out what happened.

11:20
What happened was is that Yossala Yossala would. Everybody knew he's a wealthy guy, so people would come and they would try to pitch him. Yeah, he's like, I have a good presentation. Real story Got sick and my wife wasn't doing well and he gets. I'm going to be able to talk to his heart.

11:41
He comes into Yossala and Yassel welcomes him in to his house, come upstairs and he brings him to his beautiful dining room and he has food there. Can't imagine how much food was there and all the delicious delicacies. He says please sit down and eat, we'll talk, you know. And they start talking and all the fine drinks. And he starts asking him no, so tell me, what do you need? He tells him the whole story of his family and his wife and he says how many kids do you have and where do you live? How much is your rent and how much does it cost you to live and what do you want from me? And he'd say I want to know if you can help me out Me. You want me to help you. Are you out of your mind? You hear this, david, unbelievable story. You take him and throw him out of the house. Throw him down the stairs, get out of my house, don't ever come back to me again. And one person after another thrown out.

12:40
But what they didn't know that? He would write down all the information they gave him and every week Thursday morning he would go to their house and slip an anonymous envelope with cash under their door. They wouldn't know who the money came from and every week all of those poor people were supported by Yassel. They added. On a tombstone, said Yassal of the miser added the word holy Yassal of the holy miser, so modest with his giving. Suddenly the whole community realized what an incredible generous person this was, the person that was giving to everyone, but he didn't want anyone to know. He made believe, as if he wasn't giving anyone, that nobody should have a thought in their mind that it was ever coming from Yassala, that he was giving them the money.

13:35
Now we're not expected to do that. None of us are expected to live on that level. None of us are expected to be obnoxious in any way. We're expected to do whatever we can to assist and to exercise the art of giving the way we discussed previously, but someone who is miserly we mentioned last week when we spoke about generosity. We spoke about how generosity is not only with money. Generosity is also with. With what? With the heart, the way in which a person talks, the way in which a person acts. That's you know. It's also in your heart, the way you feel towards others. Much more than just the money, whether or not we give monetary value to others.

14:37
The im hu tsaikon begufo. And if a person is miserly with his body, meaning he doesn't volunteer, he doesn't volunteer, he doesn't help, he doesn't assist in any way. Gam hu ram'od. This is also extremely terrible. Sh'lo yase chesed im b'nei adam. He doesn't do any acts of loving, kindness, nothing. I'm not going to give you a ride in my car. I'm not going to give you right.

15:03
This is what Sodom and Gomorrah what were they? What were they? They said what do you mean? They justified their actions of miserliness. They said one second, god made you poor and we're going to give you money. There's a reason. God made you poor. So why are we going to change God's decree? That was their justification.

15:37
It reminds me almost of what the Rambam says. The Rambam says that you know where do all the idolatry really stem from? Idolatry really stemmed from people saying you know, to serve Hashem. Hashem is. It's a lofty connection to the Almighty. You know, we can simplify it, because Hashem you can't see, it's not tangible. But you know what you can see the sun, the moon, and that's Hashem's creation. Let's serve them as the creations of Hashem and that'll be our gratitude to Hashem, that'll be our emunah, and that's what became Sunday and that's what became Monday and the other days after. Pagan gods is that? That's the way it starts, but very quickly it veers off into the abyss of becoming non-believers.

16:32
A person who denies the act of kindness, who denies the bringing kindness to fruition, it's evil of all the evils. If a person is miserly with his wisdom or with his books, since he's losing nothing, like we mentioned before, what do you lose out? If somebody else enjoys from your book You're not reading it now, it's not like it's taking it from you Let them enjoy. Wisdom is like fire. Does anything get diminished from a fire when you light another candle? Wisdom is like fire. She'einu chaseru imadlikim imanu neyru so'eisha cheres. Does anything get diminished from a fire when you light another candle? No, on the contrary, you have more light now. No, I'm holding the light to me. I'm not lighting your candle. I'm not going to light it. Why not? You don't lose anything. It doesn't take away from your anything. It doesn't take away from your light. It doesn't take away.

17:49
Wisdom is the same thing. You share your Torah. You know Aleph, teach Aleph. We talked about that here. What happens if you teach your Torah? What happens if you teach your wisdom? It's going to take away from somebody else. It's not going to take anything away. So why are we so small-minded and not sharing it To all of Nemar Monea Bor Yikvuhu la'om. He who withholds grain will be cursed by the people. What is that? Aval benediv Nemar uvrocha l'rosh mashbi. But regarding a generous person, it says but blessing will be upon the head of the provider. Upshat ha'posik medaber b'tstoko v'amoshol ala chachmo. This is the verse speaks literally of charity and figuratively about wisdom. V'atov shebezo samido she'eno ma'afsid mimono b'havolim, about wisdom.

18:48
The good of this trait is not wasting one's money on vanities. Oh, I'll get the upgrade on that car, I'll get the extra trim, I'll get the red blades in the tires, on the brakes, like the details, and I'll get the signature edition of the Elon Musk Tesla. You know, I'll get that. It has his signature on it, that people are ready to pay a lot of money for, but to upgrade the charity that we give? No, that we can't do. We can't upgrade our charity. We're not going to make the synagogue, you know, donate nicer. Going to make the synagogue donate nicer cheers, so that the synagogue is better, cheers Me. I'm going to help upgrade the talus in the synagogue it has to be torn. No, but to get the nicer hubcaps that I'm ready to spend money on.

19:44
Really astonishing what people's priorities are. But still, a person shouldn't waste. The stages teach us A person should be very careful not to waste money. That's a good form of miserliness. Don't waste money, don't just waste money. And sometimes avoiding great sins. And since he withholds good from himself, avoiding great sins ומחמס שמחסר נפשו בטובה and since he withholds good from himself, the miser is not as vain.

20:21
מתוך כך אין לו גיוס כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, כמו שיש נדיב, he says, because then you can have a generous person who, for an abundance of good and enjoyment, leads a person to kick against this creator. Look at me. I'm so kind to other people, I'm so good to other people. People are dependent on me. And now, look at me, look how incredible I am, look how good I am, look how generous I am, Look how godly Look at me. I'm giving People. Depend on me. I'm good, I'm the example. We've all heard people talk about how great they are and how generous they are and how they are almost godlike. Kicking against God is what it's called.

21:14
It says that the Jewish people, when they become fat, when they become healthy and wealthy and successful, then he starts kicking against the Almighty. Oh, it's all me. I'm a scholar, but you know my success. Look at me, look at what I do with my money. Look, look look at how I it's all me. And people start convincing themselves that their success is really their own success. And it's not.

21:44
It's from Hashem. L'chein yidaktek ha'odam be'atzmo. Therefore, a man should be careful to be generous according to his means Shee enodiv kefiyacholte and according to his means, but being generous where generosity is called for and miserly and stingy where it is called for. Where it's not right, where it's the right place ובמקום שאינו ראו אלה ישנדב יצא קנן בְכִילִי? וישקו כל זה במוזנאים של תורה. And he should always put things on the scale of Torah. What does Hashem want me to do? וילמד בְיָכָב? And you should learn from Yaakov, our patriarch, the father of the Jewish people, where he was an unparalleled miser on the things that were not good.

22:43
Right what it says the verse in Genesis. It says and Yaakov remained alone. Our sages explained what does that? That mean? He was alone. She shokach pachim kitanim v'chozar aleim. He was concerned about the small jars that he had forgotten and he returned to go get them, from which we learn that the material possessions of the righteous are more precious to them than their bodies. We see, we see their money is more valuable to them than their body. What does that mean? What does that mean? Their body, their money, is more valuable to them in their body and it's considered a good thing Lefishe'en poshtim yidey hem begezel, because they do not extend their hand to steal. What does that mean?

23:49
You see, imagine God gives you a gift of a watch. A watch, a watch, simple watch. You go to the restaurant and you take off your watch and you forget your watch. Now you left, you want to come back and go get your watch. You start thinking and it's like it's only $25 to watch. It's not an expensive watch. It's not like it's $25,000. It's a cheap watch.

24:14
Yeah, but Hashem gave me that $25 and now I'm not a good custodian of God's money. If I just leave it and neglect it because it's going to be thrown in the garbage, someone's going to say, yeah, it's a cheap watch, throw it in the garbage, he calls. He says you know, I left my watch, I'm coming back, I'm 20 miles away. To throw in the garbage, he calls. He says you know I left my watch. I'm coming back, I'm 20 miles away, but I'm going to come back and get it For $20, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. But you have to look at it from the perspective of I'm not going to be lazy. It means I care about what Hashem gave me as a gift and ensure that I don't neglect the gifts of Hashem. That doesn't mean that does not mean that this person doesn't give charity. On the contrary, you give charity and you give charity with an open heart, with a full heart. But you know what else you don't do. You don't waste. You don't waste the goodness that God bestows upon you. Re'ei atzaykanut ha'gdolah she'odom osher k'mo yakov olav ha'sholom hayolo lachzor avur pachim ketanem.

25:37
Look how great the extreme miserliness of Jacob was that he went back. For what? A few little small jars that he left behind. Now it happens to be that those jars were not just simple jars. What were those jars? Anybody remember? Those jars had the same oil that was found in the temple. That was the same oil. So it was very, very valuable, very precious and something which was extremely important. These weren't just, you know, jars. These were jars of that shemen zayas zach, that pure olive oil that was later to be the miracle of the Hanukkah festival. Okay, so it wasn't just a simple thing, but still, to the ordinary eye, it seems like it's. Like really, jacob, you have more important things to do right now than to go back for a few little jars you left in your father-in-law's tent. You know what I mean. It's okay. It's okay, nothing's going to happen with your little jars. He went back to get them.

26:48
We see in other places that he would have unparalleled yieldingness. He would give in. As our sages teach B'kivri asher karisi li In my grave, which I have dug for myself. Lo shon kri melamed shenot al yakov kol kesav azav shehevi mi beis lovan In my grave, which I have dug for myself. This teaches that Yaakov took all the gold and silver that he had taken from the house of Lavan and he made a pile and said to Esav. He says to Esav Amal, esav tol zeh b'shvil, chelkecha ba'ma'ora. He says, take this for your shir in the cave of Machpelah. Take all of it. Imagine all of his money. I want your portion in the cave of Machpelah, which is the burial place of Abraham, sarah, isaac, rebecca, jacob and Leah not Rachel. Rachel was buried out in the Derech Beis Lechem, on the way of Beis Lechem.

28:03
Tziddiyako was ready to give up everything. He had Something good L'chein mizeh yilmad adam shaloyefaza filu prut al-arik. A person should learn from this not to waste even a penny For no cost, for no reason, for no purpose, just eh. What does it make a difference? It's okay. Waste it, no, but in a place of a mitzvah, but with charity or other mitzvahs that are dependent on money, whose form like to purchase a rabbi. What does that mean? A teacher to teach you Torah.

28:45
You want to get who wants to get? You know, we have someone here in our midst who's a great, a very talented guitar teacher, right here in our classroom. The guitar teacher right who wants to go to? A guy who's going to teach you guitar? Who just watched a YouTube video about how to teach guitar. Nobody wants that. You want the guy who's a professional. You want the guy who's skilled and talented, right? You want the guy who's experienced and talented right, you want the guy who's experienced. That's what we want.

29:18
You go to a rabbi. You're going to go to this. Can you just teach me something? Just teach me. You're going to be my rabbi and I'm going to pay you to be my tutor. No, that's not the way it works. You want the best. You'll call references, you'll find out. Is this going to be the best teacher for my child? Is it going to be the best teacher? Same thing with a chavir, with a friend.

29:40
You want to invest in your friendships, sfarim and books. You're going to make sure you buy the best, the highest quality books. You go to artscrollcom and you buy everything. You can afford. Such a thing a good thing. Yad Vatran Gad. Buy everything you can afford. Such a thing a good thing. Yedvatron Gadol. For such things, do the right thing and just spend it. Don't be a miser on this. De la ha, sigmalos alionos, because this will help you acquire great levels of growth.

30:13
Now, an interesting thing in this, in this, in this, in this, sometimes, sometimes, the fact that you're ready to give so much of yourself is part of your growth. The fact that you're willing to spend money to learn is what's going to make it valuable. You know why these, some of these yoga classes cost you like 200 for a session. 200 for a session imagine you have to pay 200 for torch for a class. I think we're more valuable than yoga, right? But there's a reason we don't do that.

30:57
Because, torah, we want it to be accessible for all. We want it to be accessible. We want everyone to be able to come and learn Torah. There should be no barriers, but in yoga, they don't want someone coming in and being on their phone half the time. If they pay that kind of money, they're going to take it very seriously. Right, I'm paying that kind of money. I'm paying that kind of money.

31:15
I'm not going to miss out on it, and that's an important thing for a person to to take to value something you're going to value a book that you spent money on. It'll be a quality book. You'll value it, you'll use it, you'll maximize it to elevate oneself and to return one's soul to its place of purity, where it will be bound up in the bond of eternal life, and as it says in Samuel 1, and the soul of my master will be bound up in the bond of life. And as it says in Samuel 1,. So what we are learning here is that we are all gifted with so much abundance in our lives, and our job is to be a worthy custodian of that wealth, whether that be wealth of wisdom, whether that be wealth of physical strength, whether that be wealth of monetary ability, mental ability, any gift that Hashem gives us, it's our responsibility to make sure that we do the absolute best with it and that we utilize it properly.

32:33
I want to share with you one quick story, and with this we'll conclude this chapter of miserliness. There was a family, there were two families in the temple that were extremely, extremely uniquely gifted. One family knew how to sing very, very beautifully, and everyone who had guys, can you sing that song? Can you sing? And they would always decline. There was another family that knew how to bake the showbread that was presented in the tabernacle every week. There were 12 showbread. They knew how to bake it. It was a very, very particular art and people would ask can you teach us how to do it? And they would show them, give them the recipe. They'd give them all the secrets. And that family was extremely blessed and the family that held back on the singing was terribly cursed.

33:25
Why have a gift, hear it. What does it hurt you? That makes other people happy that someone else is going to enjoy your singing. No, no, this is only for family events. This is only for internal use, only why you have a great talent, you can bring a smile to someone else. Why are you holding back, being miserly for no necessary cause, for no reason? It's like saying, no, you can't use my garbage can, why not? You're not going to lose out, it doesn't hurt, it's illegal. All right, I love those people, right, gary?

34:08 - Intro (Announcement)
Those are the HOA people.

34:13 - Rabbi Aryeh Wolbe (Host)
You have to be. You have to be the person, has to be. In Yiddish we call it. You have to be broad, you have to be with a wide eye, be able to see the good in everything, be able to hear, and it's okay. It's okay, don't be so miserly. Everything is so low. Miserliness also. What it does is it's okay, don't be so miserly. Everything is so low. Miserliness also. What it does is.

34:37
It sort of, in our eyes, says that we believe there's a finite amount of goodness in this world, there's a finite amount of blessing that God can bestow upon me, and we know that that's not true. What do we say about a mitzvah, kiner mitzvah? A mitzvah is like a candle. So imagine this, lauren. Imagine I have a mitzvah and I need some help. I say, lauren, can you help me with this mitzvah? So now what happened? I split the mitzvah with Lauren. No, we both got 100% of the mitzvah. How's that possible? See, we are trained to think like the pyramid schemes this is the amount that is available, and now we're going to divide it up between everybody in that pyramid. That's not true. Hashem has an abundance of goodness that he gives for the mitzvahs that we do, with no limit, an infinite amount of goodness. So by me sharing a mitzvah with someone else, giving someone else an opportunity to do a mitzvah, it's like lighting their candle and now we both have light. I get the reward for the mitzvah that they performed. And their mitzvah that they performed and their mitzvah that they sheared with someone else, I get that mitzvah too. Now it's the reverse of a pyramid scheme. It keeps on growing the amount of reward that comes out of it because you looked with a good eye.

36:19
When a person has a good eye, it brings tremendous blessing to this world. When someone has a tzar ayin, a limited eye, a narrow eye, it takes away blessing. I remember when I was in yeshiva, my rabbi once gave us a lecture, like an added lecture, not part of the ordinary scheduling he wanted to talk about. This is the exact topic he spoke about. This is probably at least at least 30 years ago, and I remember he talked about what it means to be be'ayin yafa, what it means to have a beautiful eye, to see the positive, to see the virtue in other people. What he said is that someone who has narrow eyes, someone who's not able to shower goodness onto others, what he does, is that limitedness shackles him. So now you call to Hashem. You say Hashem, give me blessing. Hashem says where's that? Limited eyes? Where's that limited perspective? It's limited for you. You're limiting it to others, I'm going to limit it to you, but someone who has a good eye, someone who has an eye that you can share, and there's plenty for everyone, hashem says there's going to be plenty for you as well. The same way in which we see the world, in which we share, is the way Hashem shares with us. So, my dear friends, this concludes the topic of miserliness, the chapter of miserliness, and we will imminently resume with chapter 19, the gate of remembrance. Thank you so much, my dear friends. This concludes day number 99.

38:18
I remember I was once in a cab in jerusalem and the cab driver asked me I was a. I was a young yeshiva student. The cab driver asked me he says so, how are things going by, you, yeshiva boy? And he was a secular, secular driver. At least he looked that way, turns out he was a. It seems like a very powerful prophet for me. And so I said to him well, it's okay, you know. So he stops the cab on the side of the road. He says to me what did you say? He says when you kvetch like that, when you say that it could, god says really you think that's bad? Let me show you what's bad he says. But if you say that it could, god says really you think that's bad? Let me show you what's bad he says. But if you say that it's great, god says what you think that's great. Let me show you what's great. Right, we reflect our own, and it was so powerful. I remember this till today. Again, this is at least 30 years ago.

39:12
I was in this cab and it was an amazing, an amazing lesson to learn of. You know what you create, the environment that Hashem blesses you with, and that's something which is very important for us to know. We want the channels from heaven to be wide open. When we have closed eyes, we're closing off, we're creating a barrier between us and the Almighty. When we have open eyes and we're able to see that, we're able to shower others with kindness, and what happens is Hashem bestows that kindness on us. By the way, this happens as well as parents, parents who are able to see the goodness in their children and are able to flank them with love, adulation, compliments, confidence. You know it's great to see you. You're the most special child, you're the most beautiful child, you're the sweetest child. You know the most fun child, you know what happens. They want to be all of those things. It's an amazing lesson in human psychology in general.

40:29
When you praise someone, king Solomon says If you want to know who a person is, see what they praise. Someone who's always praising money that's what they're all about. They're all about money. Someone who's always praising materialism that's what they're about. They're all about materialism. Someone who's praising the goodness of other people? They are goodness. But there's another thing that you can learn from it. You read those words differently Ish kefi miha'olo A person according to his praise. This is a powerful tool for education. A child, an adult, even according to the praise that you give them. They will be Meaning when you tell a child my parents did this to us, by the way, my father did this intentionally. You'll love this, david.

41:33
My father always said the wall be children, don't lie. My father always said the Walby children don't lie. You know what that did. We couldn't lie, right, even if we wanted to lie, we couldn't lie because the Walby kids don't lie. So I can't lie Like I can't. I can't help myself. The Walby kids don't lie. He said a certain, a certain way this is the way we are. We can't break away from that because this is this is the way we are. We can't break away from that because this is the expectation. The expectation is that we don't lie. Ah well, because I don't lie, so it has to be what my son.

42:07
I remember one time that I lied through my teeth to my father. I was about 12 years old and I remember my father believing me. I knew, and he knew that I was lying. But the fact that he said to me my kids don't lie, I believe you. I felt like such garbage. I felt like I was a subhuman. Here is someone who trusts you, who takes your word like it's gospel, and you betrayed that trust. I never, ever wanted to lie again in my life because it was like that's such an icky feeling. Someone trusts me and I'm not worthy of that trust. It's a terrible feeling. It's a terrible way to, and my father did it intentionally, because the goal is not.

43:05
Many parents make this mistake. They think now I'm going to have a perfect child. The goal is not now. You have to think long-term with education. It's not about right now. It's about making them into the greatest person they will become. So right now I can take the blow. Right now I can take the lie. I don't have to fix it.

43:27
Like my grandfather says, the most important part of parenting is not seeing things your children do wrong. Don't see it, don't look, don't look, don't look. You know I have a policy. I knock on my children's door before I walk in. I knock on the door before I walk in. Why catch them doing something, whatever it may be? Why the fact that I trust them? They won't want to do it again? Because it's not a good feeling. Nobody wants to feel trusted. It's like the lowest feeling in the world that you feel trusted and you're not trustworthy. I'll tell you. I'll give you another example.

44:20
We had this discussion many times in parenting in my home. My parents always talked about education and my father said what do you do if you tell the children okay, everybody can come to the table, all the children. You're finishing your Shabbos dinner and you have desserts. All the kids come. All the kids come to the table. All the children. You're finishing your Shabbos dinner and you have desserts. All the kids come. All the kids come to the table. The candies are out, the dessert is out. Everyone makes their way back to the table.

44:46
You tell the children okay, you can have one candy, one candy. Of course there's going to be that child. You're going to take two candies. Okay, you're going to take two candies, okay. So you have two choices. Number one is not to see it. If the child saw that you saw, then you have to respond. But if the child didn't see that you saw, you saw it with the corner of your eye. You told him not to take two. He took two.

45:14
So what is he doing now? He's eating it under the table because he's internally humiliated that he wasn't trustworthy. You trusted him and he wasn't trustworthy. You have two choices. Number one first choice is to take the platter and put it on the top shelf. And now he can't reach it. But what did you do? You showed him I don't trust you. That's not a good thing. What's the second option? You leave it there. That's not a good thing. What's the second option? You leave it there. And now you can tell the children because everybody listened and only took one, you could take another one now. Now what's going to happen? That kid who took two is not going to be able to take a second one. You know why he can't? Because you just believed in him when he wasn't trustworthy. You're going to say I have a stomachache, I'm not in the mood. What kid is not in the mood of another candy right? What child is going to say no, I don't want more dessert? No such thing. Because you're showing that you trust and you value them. They're going to live up to it.

46:35
I think it's so incredibly important for us to set the standard for our children that is you're here. The standard for our children that is you're here, you're at the top of the, you're on the top of the bar, upper class, and when you hold them to that standard, that's the way they will be Now. It's a whole system of education. It's a whole system of chinuchch, of educating a child. It doesn't, you can't start that at age 14, right? It starts at a much younger age when kids learn that this is, you know, it's like I think I mentioned this like my child, my youngest, is two years old and, um, she, she learns new things in school, new tactics that her friends try in school to get what they want.

47:22
So she tried to do the tantrum thing and my daughter, who's 17 years old, looks at her and she laughs. She's like that doesn't work in our family. Right, and that was it. It was like that was the end of that tantrum. It's like we don't talk that language. That language just doesn't work here. Right, you want to talk now? Why do kids throw tantrums? Kids throw tantrums because they're not being heard, right?

47:50
So in in our family, one of the things that we give a tremendous emphasis is we listen to our children. When you listen to them, they don't need to throw themselves on the floor. They don't need to act that way, because that's just not part of how we communicate, because we communicate like normal people, and when you communicate like normal people, they don't need to throw themselves on the floor. So she saw it in school and she saw it doesn't translate. It's not the currency we use here in this house. That's in a different country and a different family. That's the way the currency they use, perhaps not in our family, but the idea again, I don't know how we got to this. We got to this about being seeing the greatness in everything, seeing the greatness in our children. Our children are absolutely spectacular.

48:36
I'm about to start a new series on education for parents, for young parents, and I was thinking that the first thing that I want to accomplish in that class is for the parents to be able to recognize that their children are the greatest human beings on planet earth. The problem is is that many of the parents feel like if they think that of their child, it thinks less of them. They're miserly about their children, because if my child is great, that means maybe I don't see myself as being great, so my child can't be great, and many people have that reflection of themselves and their children, so they limit the greatness of their children. They limit my child, oh, my child. You know how many parents have told me this. Like my child's a liar. No, they're a liar because you call them a liar.

49:34
If you use the Walby method and say my child never lies, they'll never lie. It means the words you say are almost like a. It's like you are manifesting their reality. You're manifesting it when you say that my children do acts of kindness. They're going to do acts of kindness. My children tell the truth. They're going to tell the truth. When you say you know, it's like oh, my children never listen to me, so they're never going to listen to you. My children are the greatest in the world. They will outdo that and they'll be greater than you can imagine.

50:25
Alright, I think we've gone enough on a tangent here, alright, so we're going to continue. God willing, next week we'll continue with the gate of remembrance. We're a little bit over time but, god willing, I'm looking forward. This was one whole chapter we did today on miserliness. Any other questions? David, I don't even know if I answered your question. I went on a whole tangent there. I'm sorry. Create reality, exactly Words. Create reality. It's so accurate. All right, very good, and, by the way, the reality that we say I'm going to get a job, I'm going to get a good job. You hear this, Mark, it's for you. I'm saying this I'm going to get the best job. You're creating the vessels for that blessing to come. All right, davidim, for you too. My dear friends, have a terrific evening. Laila Tov, have a good night.

51:28 - Intro (Announcement)
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